I need someone to talk to.

I think one of the biggest problems of the stay-at-home-mom is the lack of a peer audience. It’s really hard to move through your day, taking in a variety of news and experiences, and not have an outlet for them. Certainly Twitter has helped in that arena — you get 140 characters to say, “What the hell was that I just heard?” — but it’s not the same as being able to turn to someone else and say, “What the hell was that?” and get near-instant feedback and camaraderie.

[Actually, I turn to strangers all the time and make small declarations about stuff. Usually I’ll do this standing in a line {like in Shop-Rite} when we’re both looking at the same trashy News of the World headlines. I find this tactic somewhat unfulfilling, however, since it often results in that startled “why-is-this-crazy-lady-who-may-very-well-still-be-in-her-pajamas-at-10:30-here-at-the-grocery-store” look and a subtle collecting of produce for a move to another checkout aisle. I try not to take it too personally. My pajamas are fine — they could totally be a cute summer outfit.]

At any rate, back to my need for a friend to be with me during my SAHM shift. I don’t have anyone, at least not someone who’s with me for the full 8 hours, so I make little comments in my head and hope to remember them later to share with my husband, other mothers at after-school pickup, or (less appropriately, probably) my 14 year old daughter.

Today, however, I’ll share with you (Hey! Leave your milk and bread where they are. I’m on to you):

From my junk folder on my Hotmail account, I found this: I am Mrs Stella Ethan, a Christian. I have picked you for an inheritance, Everything is available.  Please contact me for more details. It made me laugh out loud. (Thanks to Joann at Laundry Hurts My Feelings for pointing out the delightful bon mots that can be found in the spam folder.)

From the spam folder on this blog site: Why god (sic) allows this sort of thing to continue is a mystery.  Sent from my iPad 4G. There is much about this that intrigues me. What is god (sic) allowing to continue? My site? That seems harsh. I can’t figure out which post it’s attached to, so I’m going to assume it’s about the spanx/Brazilian supermodel post and be inclined to agree. Also — it’s sent from an iPad? I think iPads should be used for good, not spam.

By all accounts, Michael Bolton’s foray into ballroom dance on DWTS was a mess. And having been criticized for the judges on his debacle and subsequently booted off,  Mr. Bolton has taken to the media to cry that he was mistreated. He wants an apology. Insert comment about apologizing for his career, for the When a Man Loves a Woman remake, for his hair, for…C’mon man. Get a clue.

When I grow up I’m going to invent a silent dental drill. I will win the Nobel Peace Prize for this, not to mention the respect of dental professionals everywhere (although, considering their mental state this may not be such a coup).

The masons working on my house are from Poland so, obviously, they converse in Polish on the job. When they talk to each other, it sounds kinda mean. I’m stressed just listening to them. I’m told they’re not yelling, but it sure sounds that way. Having studied Russian (a relative of Polish) for a million years, this never occurred to me. Perhaps this explains the slavic affect — grumpy and mean — because they’re being pseudo-yelled at all day long.

Will the children eventually notice if I start throwing out the socks I find lying around on the first floor? I will certainly feel better in the short term, but how will this come back to bite me later? I need someone to do a risks/benefits analysis for me.

Tony Curtis died this week, Eddie Fisher died last week. All you over-75’s in SAG better get your affairs in order. One of you is next.

With regard to the above, these are two good examples of taking better care of yourself while you are young. Both = ridden hard and put away wet.

Hot air balloons are common around here in the spring, summer and fall. They are lovely to look at. But actually go up in one? No thanks. Stuff like this happens: American Balloonists Missing During Race. Honestly. If God intended us to float around in balloons, I’d be a lot less dense (I mean, physically. What did you infer?).

The last sign of the Apocalypse was just brought to my attention, and so I’m going to wrap this up and make sure there aren’t too many expired cans of Spaghetti-O’s in my basement bomb shelter. Some Einstein in the Publishing World has given Snooki the go-ahead to write a novel. OH MY SWEET CHEESES (thank you Phil from Modern Family. My new favorite expression). There are so many fantastic writers clamoring for book deals, and someone intends to slaughter trees and digital bytes to put this woman’s “work” Out There?

Gotta go. Must pick up water at Shop-Rite. I’m not even going to change: flip-flops and pajama pants are fine for this — it’s an emergency. And you can be sure I’ll be chatting up my fellow Line-rs at checkout. Startled looks be damned.

In my zeal to get this out, I neglected to note it’s a Word Up, Yo! post. Join the fun…

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13 Responses to “I need someone to talk to.”

  1. Cecelia Winesap Says:

    I hear ya on needing someone to talk to. I wish I had someone intelligent around to bounce ideas off of during the day when my husband is not available. Since I do not have such a person, I turn to Blog World! :)
    Cecelia Winesap recently posted..And Then I Panicked

  2. MKJ Says:

    I’m here for you baby. You’re not alone.

    BTW – thanks for insight on Polish communication. I will try to be more patient with my husband’s “conversational” style knowing that he really can’t help the way he was raised.

    Socks. Socks. All around. Not a match to be found. Clean or dirty? I don’t know. Put it on it is time to go.

    Alyson says:

    Socks, socks everywhere. There’s only ever one. Pick up, throw it out, now my work is done.

    MKJ, you never fail to inspire me.

    And whisper a little Polish back at J and see what he does. Maybe it’s in his DNA — that’d be cool….

  3. Suniverse Says:

    See, I would totally be your BFF during the 8 hours when other people are away. Because I think of these things to, and the cats aren’t giving me the responses that I’m looking for. And my daughter is 13, and evidently now needs her own space and time and has friends and homework and OH MY GOD, I WAS FILLETED LIKE A FISH FOR YOU TALK TO ME and the husband is thinking about fantasy sports and . . . yeah. So. Call me.
    Suniverse recently posted..The Dumb And the Not So Dumb – UPDATED!

  4. Cheese Says:

    Socks: make each sock owner a custom-designed sock puppet. In your spare time. Wait… you don’t have any spare time- you are busy scaring the socks off the other Shop Rite shoppers! :)

  5. Kali Says:

    Hey Alyson,
    You are not alone in the way you make conversation with strangers. I do it too – but usually I say something grossly inappropriate just for shock value.
    Example: (the woman in front of me was glancing over a magazine with Nicole Ritchie on the cover). I told the woman I’d never seen before in my entire life, that she looked horribly thin. I think my exact words were: “could you imagine the way she’d look to a man if he were doing her from behind? May as well be a 9 year old boy”.

    Yeah, I’m not sure she thought it was as funny as I did. Whatever. It’s not my fault she has no sense of humor.

    *Also, I added your site to StumbleUpon (with a review). I hope it brings you as many new visitors as it did for me when I was “discovered”, as they put it.*
    Kali recently posted..Insane Morphing Abilities

  6. Kali Says:

    Jeezuz. Will you please close my damn html tag? I can’t go in to edit it and it will drive me (and anyone else who reads this) insane. It was supposed to just be “Nicole Ritchie”. Not 2/3 of my entire post. Sorry.
    Kali recently posted..Insane Morphing Abilities

    Alyson says:

    Hey Kali — I surrendered to the HTML gods — I couldn’t get the tag to work, even when I closed it properly so I just took it out. :( [Readers, you know of whom Kali speaks: Nicole “i look like a stick bug” Ritchie.]

    When I grow up, in addition to the silent dental drill, I will understand HTML. And CSS. And Y&R (Victor’s still around, for crying out loud?)

    Thanks for the Stumble love, too. Another thing I have to understand.

  7. Kali Says:

    Thank you. The HTML gods have yet to show me the love. I appreciate your mercy :).

    The Stumble Gig is highly underrated. I had no idea it was such a big deal. I have used it while bored in the past, but never realized how much traffic is produced if MY site was one of the possible places people can stumble into (and hopefully drop their drinks, or at least their wallets).
    In any case, while I realize that having strangers stumble into your blog ACCIDENTALLY isn’t ideal, there may be a couple who enjoy it and stick around.

    Me? I’m just a page view whore. All I care about is that line graph and it’s constant increase in numbers. I sometimes leave my link on S&M sites advertising my services. With my URL (thebossofu), it’s an easy sell. 😉
    Kali recently posted..Insane Morphing Abilities

  8. liz Says:

    you could use these spam comments for a Dear You Guys letter!
    liz recently posted..The Princess- the Purse and the Paper

  9. The Flying Chalupa Says:

    I will be your SAH Friend! Me! Me! I need one too. My imaginary friends are getting a little old.

    Love this post. Love it. Love it. I feel that I should mention that my babysitter (63 yrs old) dated Eddie Fisher for 3 years, was great friends with him, and is organizing his funeral with Carrie. CARRIE FISHER. And my babysitter tells me, “Yeah, you might get an invite.”

    Wild. Just wild.

  10. Bobbi Cecio Says:

    :-( I want to be your Daytime friend…. C’mon… Just move to Cali! It’s beautiful here and Margaritas everywhere, all the time!! XOXO

  11. Andrea Says:

    As a non-driving SAHM to my 3-1/2 year old daughter, I can SO totally relate. Can we be BFFs? 😉 I kid – I kid — sort of. I also talk to strangers when I’m out and about. Sometimes they laugh as a defense mechanism and walk away backwards. Other times I’ll get a two word response. I’m harmless, people, I promise. I just don’t get out much!

    This was a great and fun post. I loved it. 😀
    Andrea recently posted..Pretend These Are Post-Its

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