Forewarned is forearmed. (Thank goodness no one is armed.)
Here’s what may happen, might happen, or even will happen as soon as the Husband has landed safely in Asia, where he will remain for the next two weeks. (I am optimistic that he’ll call often, to let me know what “tomorrow” will be like since he’s a day ahead of us.)
Many of these things used to happen in our home when the plane door closed and the aircraft pushed back from the gate, thus prohibiting any return to the gate (you may choose at least two from each category):
Medical (Pediatric) & Veterinary
- someone will throw up
- someone (canine) will throw up and perhaps have some lower GI distress too (see “Home & Personal Property,” below)
- someone will run a fever
- someone will cut themselves deeply, requiring stitches by a plastic surgeon
- someone will get lice
- someone will get chicken pox
- someone will get the flu
- someone will spread the flu
- someone will spread the chicken box
- someone will get a haircut, thus preventing the spread of lice
- someone will roam the hallways at night, whining about not being able to sleep
- someone’s brother will join the hallway roaming and insomnia event
- someone will require an anti-anxiety, in the form of a margarita, every day at 5.
Academic
- someone will be required to do a three-dimensional model of the Taj Mahal out of tongue depressors
- someone will be required to complete a worksheet consisting of AP triple-calculus-trigonometry in Greek that is beyond my abilities by 12 years
- someone will remember at 8 pm that they forgot a study sheet at school for the next day’s test, resulting in much drama
- someone will go on a field trip to Amish land that will be scheduled to return at 8pm, requiring a ride home
- someone x 2 will have spelling tests on the same day, resulting in tag team spelling bees in the kitchen and fights over who’s next to get a word from the judge
Sports & Extra-Curriculars
- someone x 2 will have a soccer game and a field hockey game on two different fields at two different schools at the same time
- someone will have a dance class across town that begins 4 minutes after a soccer or field hockey game is scheduled to end
- someone x 3 will have music lessons on a Wednesday afternoon, but not all at the same time or even back-to-back, requiring multiple drop-off’s and pick-up’s
- someone will remember, 18 hours before a lesson, that they were required to get a new book/pick/strap/notebook/etc. for the upcoming lesson
Home, car & personal property
- the car will not start
- a tire will go flat
- a fluid of some kind will be demanded by the car in lots of bells, pings, and flashing lights
- a minor fender-bender will occur in a store parking lot
- a boulder in the school parking lot will jump in front of the right running board during a drop off or pick up
- the washing machine will stop working
- the dryer will stop working
- both the washer and dryer will conspire together and stop working
- the water pump will malfunction
- we will lose electricity for an extended amount of time, thus cutting us off from tv, microwave, refrigerator, running water, and toilets
- the cable will go out unexpectedly and unexplained-ly
- the phone will go out unexpectedly and unexplained-ly
- the Internet will go out unexpectedly and unexplained-ly
- a roof will leak
- a smoke alarm will decide, at 3:30 am, that it needs a new battery
- the light bulb will go out in the master bathroom, leaving one of us to tinkle in darkness
- a dog will chew mouldings in the dining room and on the front hall staircase (refer to “Medical & Veterninary,” above)
Check back with me in late October for full scoring. Or to renew my anti-depressant prescription, whichever you’re more willing to do.
Full disclosure: not all of these things will happen in the next two weeks. But most of them have happened, at one time or another, over the past 17 years of business trips. (Clarification: not my business trips.)
October 14th, 2010 at 11:23 am
Oh, yes!
And if may be, just MAY be that the basement pipe bursts over the washer.
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Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Oh, sweet grilled cheesus, I hope not. I’ve got 43 inches of wallboard-, wood- and other miscellaneous-brand dust in the basement because of the addition construction….we’d be sucked down by the sludge and never heard from again.
October 14th, 2010 at 1:01 pm
Here’s another possibility: a snake will get into your house and scare the bejeebies out of you for the better part of a day until you get a brave man to come over and handle it for you. Happened to me.
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Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 4:40 pm
Snakes? Good God, I hope not. Although if they eat the stinkbugs that currently plaguing our area, I’d roll out the red carpet, let them eat their fill, and then hurry them out the door with a broom (provided I can find the broom. Not a huge housekeeper type).
October 14th, 2010 at 3:08 pm
We have this “thing” of Craig being states away, our current house being on the market, me getting a stomach virus and then us getting an offer on our home. It’s happened twice.
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Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
I don’t know. Perhaps in this crummy housing market you could market that strategy for those currently trying to sell a home. Couldn’t hurt, might help.
October 14th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
You shall be in my thoughts for the next two weeks – and just think, at least no natural disaster is no that list!
(Hmm.. should I have waited until after the two weeks to say that?)
(I officially take responsibility if you’re attacked by a natural disaster in the next two weeks.)
(I’m sorry.)
Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 4:38 pm
Oh, Megan. Nice timing. No major natural disaster, but apparently we’re about to have a “nor’easter” over the next day or two involving high winds and copious amounts of rain.
I won’t blame you — let’s blame El Nino or his sister La Nina, whoever the hell they are — and hope that the tree branches stay where they belong.
October 14th, 2010 at 4:43 pm
Never had lice here, either (there was Suspicion of Lice last year, but I believe in my soul it was a false alarm). Every fall I hold my breath. It’s simply a matter of time.
But it will happen when the bald father is away…because the fully-loaded-head-of-hair mother will have to be the one to handle it.
October 14th, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Yep. The Business Trip Breakdown. Happens every time and, I won’t lie, I get kinda bitter. But 2 weeks in Asia! Lord have mercy! Hope you bought alcohol in bulk. Good luck and God Speed!
Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Bitter is what I drink withthe alcohol — gives it a nice citrus kick.
October 14th, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Oh isn’t this the truth! I wish you luck and pray that none of these calamities take place! Last time my husband went away for the week…well…of course, I had a child throw up in the car after an hour drive to a field trip and spent the rest of the week with a really sick kid, not to mention an awful smelling car! I cried. And..the five o’clock happy hour couldn’t come fast enough.
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Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 7:44 pm
Gotta say, although I’m sorry for all your (our) troubles, it’s incredible how common it is that the Business Trip Blues hits all of our families!!
October 14th, 2010 at 7:57 pm
SNAKES??
I mean really.
Everyone knows that the snakes are ON the plane. Not terrorizing those at home.
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Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Husband is now in Tokyo, and tells me that tomorrow will be great. So there’s that to look forward to.
As for snakes, it occurs to me that the 170+ pounds of DoodleDogs that follow me around could possibly convinced to help herd the snakes out the door when they have eaten their fill of the stink bugs. It’s a thought.
October 14th, 2010 at 8:19 pm
hysterical! I promise I’ll take care of any emergencies on sat!!
Alyson says:
October 14th, 2010 at 8:53 pm
Lice? Chicken Pox? Stomach bugs?
I got lucky to get a sister like you when I married the Husband. You are too good to me.
October 15th, 2010 at 8:51 pm
My kids are fascinated by stink bugs, walking sticks, snakes, dragons, and every other creepy crawlie known to man. So before they are flattened we always talk about what they are, what eats them, and what they eat.
That being said, the snakes have escaped, there has been what I am sure was Dracula in spider form, and a opossum on the front porch playing dead for the dog, all while hubby was away.
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Alyson says:
October 17th, 2010 at 9:46 am
When I’ve gone away, the report I always get back is “it was all fine.” And I think, “really? Why does all the crazy happen to me?”
October 17th, 2010 at 8:00 pm
I think you need to go on a business trip for two weeks…to a spa perhaps?
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Alyson says:
October 18th, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Sing it, sistah.
(Actually, I’m headed to somewhere warm and lovely for a long weekend in December as a reward for keeping my stuff together (and everyone alive). Yay, me.
October 17th, 2010 at 11:35 pm
Hysterical. And so true.
How are things so far?
Alyson says:
October 18th, 2010 at 1:31 pm
Actually, we’re doing well. Day 5 and no one is diseased, injured or otherwise having a problem. There’s some stress and tears about all that has to get done during the day that I think can be attributed to too much playing on the weekend, but all in all we’re hanging in there.
Maybe it’s an age-related thing: everyone here is over the age of 8, so crises are easier to manage.