Which one’s Johnny Drama?
I’ve got an entourage. Oh, it’s true, I’m Somebody. What, you didn’t know? What’dya think, these three just follow me around because I smell good? (Well I do smell good, thank you Narciso Rodriguez, but that’s irrelevent for the purposes of this discussion.)
Honestly, I’m not sure how Vince Chase does it. These three are with me almost 24 hours a day. I escape them once in a while when I’m able to get into my car without them realizing I’m leaving, but lately even that’s been hard to do. (As I type, two of them are sitting in the car, doors open, just waiting for my next excursion. The third guy is here next to me, monitoring my every breath and getting ready to jump should I make a move out of this chair.)
I get followed to the bathroom, and if I’m not quick enough with the door they’ll follow me in. Privacy? They have no concept of that word. And I thought the kids were bad — these three have much to teach those four about my most intimate bathroom moments. My groupies know my routine pretty well….so well that I’ll find them waiting for me near the shower in the master bathroom after my workout. It’s a little creepy to have them watching and waiting for me to emerge from the shower, but when I tried to tell them they weren’t welcome — and firmly closed the door in their faces — the racket they kicked up was ridiculous. So now I have to maintain an open-door policy or I fear the neighbors will report me.
Their devotion to me extends to bedtime. I simply have to start turning off lights and they leap up, prepared to escort me upstairs. If I, God forbid, should mutter the words “night,” “upstairs,” or “sleep” they’re fully a stair or two ahead of me on the way. The Husband is not wild about my entourage, truth be told. I think he minded less when the big guy of the group settled over on my side of the bed — let’s be clear, the situation wasn’t ideal but trying to tell him he wasn’t welcome got us nowhere — but lately the love has been extending across the invisible demarcation line on the king sized bed, so tensions are beginning to ratchet up.
On the one hand, I can understand how the Vince Chases of the world might actually enjoy the attention. Such devotion is amazing to witness, and to know that I inspire it is actually quite heady. What power I wield!
I’m going to get up now and go put my shoes on. The hysteria that this should engender in my group will be intense. Cock your ear and listen carefully: “She’s doing something! She’s doing something! Alert! Alert!”